Copperfield on his lack of Christmas presents from patients
It being the week before Christmas, it’s mandatory to write about something jolly and festive. Which rules out the usual-suspect news stories, even if they’re hot (RCP interim guidance limiting PA scope) or hilarious (salaried GPs should have 20% pay uplift says BMA). And especially if they’re ripe for off-colour jokes, such as ‘Only 300 GPs recruited, leaving a big ARRS hole.’
Also, it occurs to me that I still have Christmas presents to buy, and I don’t have much time. So I’ll write about seasonal gifts, quickly.
By which I mean, you must have noticed it, too? Tell me you have: the cliff-edge drop-off of Christmas presents from patients? For the first time ever, I haven’t received any. Not one. If it’s just me, it must mean that my patients don’t love me anymore. And for someone as diligent, sensitive and punter-centred as me, that’s a devastating blow, especially at this Wonderful Time for Giving and Goodwill to All, the mean bastards.
To be fair, it may well be that the harsh economic climate dictates they choose renewing a Sky sub over buying me a bottle of Jack Daniels. Plus, I genuinely don’t need present-shaped affirmation that I’m doing a good job, not when I have all those online one star reviews.
And, frankly, I’m not going to miss their presents. Most are bribes in the form of re-gifts of unwanted junk mouldering from last year in a cupboard. Some are utterly perplexing – such as when I received a plastic bag containing a loaf of bread (white, sliced). And a few are so exquisitely awful that they can only be managed as a passive-aggressive formal complaint (as when our senior partner was given a one hour cassette tape of a patient playing her electric organ favourites).
But maybe there’s a serious reason why Santa’s GP sack is empty this year. I’m the GP that Father Christmas forgot because of just that. The deconstruction of our role and the fragmentation of primary care means, of course, that continuity is the ghost of Christmas past. And that in turn means the end of the special GP-patient relationship. Which probably explains why we just received a card stating, ‘To my family doctor, whoever that is’.
For ages, we’ve been searching for a meaningful measure of continuity in general practice. And there it is, gift-wrapped: the inverse relationship between discontinuity and patient gift-buying. Definitely a research study there. I’d do it myself, but like I say, I’ve got Christmas pressies to buy. Not for my GP, obviously.
Dr Tony Copperfield is a GP in Essex
Wow, just got a copy of the headteacher’s report for Copperfield, aged 10, from Whippemwell School for Boys (motto: Beaten into Leaders of Men)
“Copperfield disgraces our prestigious school and continues to disrupt class with his silly japes and monkeying around. Always looks like a battered hedgehog, face ink-stained, holed socks. I just don’t understand his humour, which he says is “wit innit”. Won’t amount to anything; expect he’ll end up in borstal. However, his form teacher informs me his classmates, unbelievably, have again voted him most popular pupil and the “Heart of Gold” Award for the third consecutive year. ”
Well, I never…metaphorical bottle of JD winging its way to TC…Merry Christmas, geeza (whoever you are).
Part-time working, “portfolio careers”, ever larger Practices, QOF bllx, telephone fob-off – all the appearances of a deliberate attempt to destroy any doctor-patient relationship beyond anonymous transaction.
You cant get pressies if the punters can’t get to see you to give them to you Ho Ho Ho
about 20 years ago pulse ran a competition for the crapest xmas presents. Featured were tapes of organ music, a box of gall stones but I’m embarrassed to say I won the ipod. There was a well wrapped box in reception and I asked one of our ladies to open it for me which she did in front of the whole team. It was a used, vacuum penis expander with a note saying it was the rolls royce of these gadgets and would it be useful? The ipod was some consolation for becoming the butt of many jokes, which were at least allowable in those pre-PC days.
Excellent as always; the special must be on again this Christmas locally for Rover biscuits and Roses
@dave.haddock – excellent analysis
@jonathan.heatley – liked your anecdote but how rude of that patient suggesting the penis expander was for the practice’s pr*ck!! …..😁
I must have very nice patients
Presents this year
Wine, whisky, cakes, deodorant, tea bags and swimming goggles.
Dr No always looks for a certain metric on his patients’ Yuletide bribes, the advantage conferred on said patients in the following 12 months is direction proportion to the number preceding the % sign on the label. Nota Bene ya’ll.