Patients are to be started on statins even if they’ve got less than a zero percent chance of developing cardiovascular disease, it’s been announced.
Speaking from a podium at an International Lard Conference, Professor Candid reacted to the news: ‘Cholesterol is evil, evil I tell you. It does more damage to your heart than Harold Shipman with a syringe full of potassium and it buggers up your arteries more than fascism ever did’.
‘In my last paper I concluded that cholesterol is the yellow Furher and if you sit down next to it on the bus, punch it in the neck and run like the wind before it gets a chance to kill you. And no I’m not saying this because I’ve hot heaps of shares in statins.’
Five year old Emma from Croydon says: ‘Mrs Wood taught us that cholesterol or 2,15-dimethyl-14-(1,5 dimethylhexyl)tetracycloheptacos-7-en-5-ol is vital for cell membrane synthesis and plays a critical role in the production of vitamin D and other steroid hormones. So surely we should be cautious about trying to reduce its level to almost nothing in the long term. We also learnt that statins have a horrendous numbers needed to treat of something like 1200, which is even worse than a state education. Mrs Wood then got really annoyed and told us that big companies like to ignore the facts because you can prove anything with facts can’t you!’
‘We now live in a Statocracy,’ claims one industry expert, ‘and thank goodness for that, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to drink a smooth blend of lamb fat and pork scratchings every morning for breakfast.’
Big Pharma, who owns a big ranch and an even bigger cowboy hat, made a noise which sounded like ‘yeeee haaaaa’ on hearing the news.
‘This is brilliant news,’ he enthused. ‘We’ve now got plans to add statins to breast milk, get the little buggers whilst they’re still young. Now if you excuse me I’ve got to drive off into the sunset in my gold plated Cadillac as I have a date with destiny.’ Then he added another ‘yeeee haaaa’ for good measure.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.
